how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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