Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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