Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
