Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
