Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize