can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
