How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
