note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
