Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
