When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
