im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
