my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
