Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
