Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
