The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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