Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
