Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
This house was built for laser tag.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
