I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
