I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
