just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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