this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
