I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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