it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
