I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
