His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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