mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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