Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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