i always forget guys have bellybuttons
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
