i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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