so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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