Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
