I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize