It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
