he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
