I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
