Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
