You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Dear god my vagina.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
