my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A+ Viking dick
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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