i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
