I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
