At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
