He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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