So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
