My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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