Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Randomize
