If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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