I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
