I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
