omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
