Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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