apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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