Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
