When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This show inspires me to have sex in space
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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