Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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