Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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