Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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