Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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