My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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