like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
