I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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