I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
