my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
